first entry // feeling a little alone

[aariz_apple]

Hello. Life has been a little hard recently, so I thought I would take up journaling again. I used to use Live Journal but i feel like i was the only person on there so i thought id try here instead. I have a personal journal as well but idk something about talking into an online void where theres a chance other people might see it makes me feel a little bit better. The past couple of months i have just felt really alone.

please excuse my nonsense rambling but a bit ago me and my friend went through bad breakups around the same so we were able to find comfort in eachother and saw eachother multiple times a week. it really made me feel less alone coming out of my first ever long term relationship. well that friend has a new partner now and I am so so happy for them and i love their partner as well. they are perfect for eachother. i just get sad sometimes because i feel like im still stuck in the past and just feel so lonely. my other friends all live further away and are usually busy and idk i just feel like when i have free time no one is ever available. it doesnt help that i go to work and school for 50ish hours a week. and i feel like i am incapable of making new friends. dont get me wrong i do have a couple of super close friends and a small circle of like not as close friends. but with those not as close friends i just feel like an outsider and too “woke”. it doesnt help i am queer. idk i just usually end up feeling like an outside and like if they really knew me they would NOT like me. not to be like “ohh im sooo quirky and crazy” but i am weirder than the average person so i feel like i cant even talk about my interests or true opinions with them. especially because we have different political views as well. and then like i said my two super close friends are either long distance or we are never free at the same time. so it just leaves me feeling really alone and lowkey like yearning for human connection. i hang out with my family and mom a lot but theres only so much you can talk about with ur mom. idk i miss going on dates with my ex and like getting to explore my city and actually go out and do things. i know i can do things alone but have the fun for me is getting to enjoy with someone else. i know i have to get over that but if im just gonna do something alone ill just stay home and enjoy my hobbies or walk my dog or smth.

and.. the biggest bummer of all... i still kinda miss my ex. i cant tell if i actually miss him or if i just miss being in a relationship but considering its been a good amount of time and i still dream about him like every other night makes me think i might actually miss him. but trust it was not a good relationship and we did not need to stay together we both needed really different things and yeah it just was not a good situation. yet i still STILL miss him. its pissing me off. i feel like i need to get into another relationship just to get over him but thats such a stupid and unhealthy reason to get into another relationship.

idk yeah thats pretty much it!! i like my life for the most part i’ve just felt super lonely recently and dont quite know what to do about it if there even is anything I can do. :p

Comments

[zavodilaterrarium]

I somewhat relate. It's pretty hard to find people who you can be comfortable with irl, especially when you're queer. After getting my close circle, pretty much all my new friends have been online. I would like to go out with friends more, which is hard when ppl are busy, but tbh I'm kinda too tired all the time anyway to do it much.